Things My Mom Says
My mom says the craziest things to the people who she holds near and dear – her children. I can recall from an early age some of the things she would say and I thought it was normal for everyone’s mom to speak to them recklessly. Obviously at the time I didn’t know it was reckless, I just knew that I didn’t want to cross her because I believed she’d do what she said. Without further adieu I give you some of my mom’s favorite things to say:
“I should kick yuh in yuh damn throat.”
This one leaves nothing to the imagination lol. Mom says this when one of her children has taken their nonsense too far.
“Horse dead and cow fat.”
This is a typical Jamaican saying to indicate that something isn’t quite right with the story being told to you.
“Yuh mussi tink mi deh with Con Ed.”
This was a warning to turn off the lights because no, contrary to popular belief mom was not in a relationship with Con Edison.
“Yuh father is not a glass maker.”
My mom’s inquiry to why you would be standing in the way. You’re not see through…
Ummm, my mom is way too old to say this but this is a result of her having too much exposure to my teenage sisters Lol. She uses this one at every opportunity. When she’s trying to tell me a story I’ve heard a gazillion times and I decline to hear it for the gazillionth and one time, she calls me a “Hater!”
When I tell her that there is no way she should go outside in some mismatched outfit that has 1960 written all over it she accuses me, “Hater.” Ok mom, I’m a hater – now go change that outfit!
Apparently my mother is under the impression that she is the only real smart family member in the family. Make a mistake or if you don’t get her oftentimes dubious Jamaican mom logic, you are accused of being a genius when of course she means the exact opposite.
“I will murder you cold blooded and premeditated.”
This is something Mom says to my sisters. I suspect that she’s only partially joking. This statement is an updated version of what Mom used to tell me and my brothers when we were younger. When I was kid, she used to say “I will throw uno over de bridge and get away with it, no questions asked.” Translation: I will throw the 4 of you over the bridge and find a plausible explanation to give to the authorities. Really Mom? Really…
“Nuh mek me shove it down yuh throat.”
If this sounds like a threat to you, you’ve accurately assessed the gravity of the statement. Mom says this when she’s trying to make one of her children drink some godforsaken medicine that she’s concocted from the roots and bushes of Jamaica. If you take too long or squish up your face when she’s offered you some of this um medicine, you’re sure to be faced with this threat and action.
“We should have our own show and I’m dead serious.”
This notion comes from watching too many reality TV shows and a hidden desire to get famous. No Mom, we should not have our own show, you’re too vulgar for TV…
Last but not least…
“Don’t make me reel off the clots dem!”
The clots she’s referring to are “bloodclot, rasclot, bumboclot (and the most vulgar clot of them all) pussyclot”. These words are some of the worst expletives in patois so if you really want to scare your children practice reeling these off to them when they are toddlers. Mom reels off the “clots” when she’s reached her breaking point which is everyday at least once a day. It doesn’t take much for her to reel off the clots.