Thinking…

Things My Mom Says

My mom says the craziest things to the people who she holds near and dear – her children. I can recall from an early age some of the things she would say and I thought it was normal for everyone’s mom to speak to them recklessly. Obviously at the time I didn’t know it was reckless, I just knew that I didn’t want to cross her because I believed she’d do what she said. Without further adieu I give you some of my mom’s favorite things to say:

“I should kick yuh in yuh damn throat.”

This one leaves nothing to the imagination lol. Mom says this when one of her children has taken their nonsense too far.

“Horse dead and cow fat.”

This is a typical Jamaican saying to indicate that something isn’t quite right with the story being told to you.

“Yuh mussi tink mi deh with Con Ed.”

This was a warning to turn off the lights because no, contrary to popular belief mom was not in a relationship with Con Edison.

“Yuh father is not a glass maker.”

My mom’s inquiry to why you would be standing in the way. You’re not see through…

“Hater!!!”

Ummm, my mom is way too old to say this but this is a result of her having too much exposure to my teenage sisters Lol. She uses this one at every opportunity. When she’s trying to tell me a story I’ve heard a gazillion times and I decline to hear it for the gazillionth and one time, she calls me a “Hater!”

When I tell her that there is no way she should go outside in some mismatched outfit that has 1960 written all over it she accuses me, “Hater.” Ok mom, I’m a hater – now go change that outfit!

“Genius!”

Apparently my mother is under the impression that she is the only real smart family member in the family. Make a mistake or if you don’t get her oftentimes dubious Jamaican mom logic, you are accused of being a genius when of course she means the exact opposite.

“I will murder you cold blooded and premeditated.”

This is something Mom says to my sisters. I suspect that she’s only partially joking. This statement is an updated version of what Mom used to tell me and my brothers when we were younger. When I was kid, she used to say “I will throw uno over de bridge and get away with it, no questions asked.” Translation: I will throw the 4 of you over the bridge and find a plausible explanation to give to the authorities. Really Mom? Really…

“Nuh mek me shove it down yuh throat.”

If this sounds like a threat to you, you’ve accurately assessed the gravity of the statement. Mom says this when she’s trying to make one of her children drink some godforsaken medicine that she’s concocted from the roots and bushes of Jamaica. If you take too long or squish up your face when she’s offered you some of this um medicine, you’re sure to be faced with this threat and action.

“We should have our own show and I’m dead serious.”

This notion comes from watching too many reality TV shows and a hidden desire to get famous. No Mom, we should not have our own show, you’re too vulgar for TV…

Last but not least…

“Don’t make me reel off the clots dem!”

The clots she’s referring to are “bloodclot, rasclot, bumboclot (and the most vulgar clot of them all) pussyclot”. These words are some of the worst expletives in patois so if you really want to scare your children practice reeling these off to them when they are toddlers. Mom reels off the “clots” when she’s reached her breaking point which is everyday at least once a day. It doesn’t take much for her to reel off the clots.

Special thanks to thepilgrimfancy and his post on things his father says – click here to laugh!

12 responses

  1. I LOVE IT!!

    Three things:

    1. Don’t get on you mom – tell her “Yu swag tun up!” and let her have her fun…
    2. I wish I had a working Jamacian accent
    3. I will find a way to use “Horse dead and cow fat.”

    =)

    October 29, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    • Will do LOL. Glad you liked it! I think if you work on it, you can have a Jamaican accent soon enough!

      October 29, 2011 at 8:13 pm

  2. that was pretty awesome sister! I remember all of those sayings/phrases.

    October 29, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    • Thanks for your assistance with this post – I told mom about it and she cussed me stink LOL

      October 29, 2011 at 8:12 pm

  3. KB

    Too funny! Does she know my mom by any chance? My favorite is the last one…”the most vulgar clot of them all…” Jamaicans…smh

    October 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    • LOL! My mom is very out of control with her mouth. All Jamaican moms are given a handbook at the hospital of things to threaten their kids with and it works! LOL

      October 29, 2011 at 8:11 pm

  4. This was a perfect rendition of your mom. I would like to add
    “yuh cyan be wrong and strong” as my favorite quote from when my girlfriend at the time did something awful, malicious, and out of bounda… and then was really loud and boisterous about it. I think you remember what I’m referring to. She yelled this phrase over and over so all of Howard Ave had to agree, that tis true, you should not, and cannot be both wrong and strong!

    October 29, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    • Sister my sister I remember the incident very clearly. I wasn’t there to hear her say that but yes she does say that often LoL. And she’s right! Words to live by! I will be sure to include that in Part 2 when I remember the rest of the things she says :D

      October 31, 2011 at 10:37 am

  5. Vimal

    funny :D

    you’re Jamaican?

    i like this – “Yuh father is not a glass maker.”
    and this “I will throw uno over de bridge and get away with it, no questions asked.”

    My dad’s father was a farmer, and back home, farming is common. Mom used to warn us when we were young that she would send us there to look after the cows whenever we behaved badly :D

    October 30, 2011 at 3:38 am

    • Yes, mi muddah is straight from “yard” as they call it. Parents always have some threats; I’m trying to store sayings away for when I have my own offspring Lol :)

      October 31, 2011 at 10:39 am

  6. I am going to use “yuh father is not a glassmaker” with my nieces when I go home…. and I gotta use “horse shit and cow dead”!!!

    I LOVE this post!! hahaha… and the comment about how you told her about this blogpost and she cussed you stink… priceless!!!

    October 31, 2011 at 10:00 am

    • LOL!!!!! Yes, she cussed me stink and has not stopped threatening me since I posted this! For all the laughter, it is worth it LOL

      October 31, 2011 at 10:39 am

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