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Untitled 10.19

Up. Watching Luther. Episode 1, Season 3. Spent 52 min 19 seconds admiring Idris. Repeating his lines, doing a very good job at doing a bad English accent lol. 5 min and 16 seconds to go and I pause it. I can’t go on. Something bad is gonna happen and I cannot face it alone. No! Not by myself. Not at 3 in the morning. Not so close to bedtime. I need wine. And someone else beside me. So I can bury my face in their shoulder and peek out at 20 second intervals. Yeah…that’s what I need.

Untitled 8.14


You were in my dreams again last night and I just want to know “Why?!?!?”


Sometimes, I feel like I’m almost over the hump and I’m making it but then I go back.


Sometimes, it starts with a dream, many times a memory, a thought of concern for you.


This, I would not wish on my worst enemy.


It’s not so much a confusion as it is a longing…a gnawing and a chipping away at the shaky, half-assed resolve I think I’ve built up.


The mantra in my head, “Leave him alone” is on mute, and I can only envision the words when I close my eyes.


I can’t even say them aloud. I’m not sure I actually believe them.


They sound weak and lame but I know what I have to do; why can’t I do it?


I wonder about this hold you have on me.


It should be enough that you shunned me, that you don’t love me…


Perhaps the grip that stupidity has around my neck has choked all the good sense out of me, leaving that last lethal drop of hope in my heart…

Jealousy

you wear your jealousy like a coat of armor

using it to protect your heart

when you embrace me

your scattered thoughts attack you

and you wonder

where I’ve been

with who

and how long

and in your kiss

I can taste your anxiety

it’s bitter, and coppery, and overflowing

but you, and your manly pride

will never admit to it

the truth as you know it and I know it

the truth as it poisons us and this relationship

leaving you gaunt and thin

and me

shamefaced and stuttering

although I have done nothing wrong


10.9

My heart swells

With Love

And other stuff

like

Hope

Forgiveness

Regret

Resignation

How I miss you so…

Sea

I am drowning in a sea of sorrow

But don’t help because you refuse to swim

Instead You stand on the shores of safety and wish me well

I am sinking and soon

The world dims

You’re silent now

Congratulations!

You’ve made me disappear…

Random…

Yesterday, a man in a shirt declaring him “World’s Best Grandpa” stared at me as if I had on a shirt that said “World’s Most Delectable Piece of Meat”. He even had the nerve to have his mouth half open as if in a private moment of ecstasy. I wanted to tell him, “No salivating”, but I didn’t have the time to engage him in conversation – I was in a hurry to complete my woman errands.

Yesterday, a pigeon decided to unceremoniously use me as a toilet again. Contrary to popular belief, I feel decidedly unlucky.

Tomorrow, I am going to a wedding. I haven’t been to a wedding since…when I remember, I’ll let you guys know. I’m happy that in the midst of all my therapy shopping, somewhere along the way I remembered that there would be invitations to events that required something slightly more appropriate than my standard freak em’ dress. I don’t want to outshine the bride so I’m gonna refrain from pulling out my ballroom gown and stick to a LBD and some 5 inch heels that will hurt my feet as soon as I think about putting them on – ahh, the joys of being a woman…

9.15.2012

I realize I don’t have to take your shit

I don’t have 2 rings, nor am I desperate

Wondering where you got the notion

That you could come back

After I banished you from your Boyfriend throne

That you could reapply for your position

Sorry

You served your term

And there will be no reelection

It’s called LIFE!

Deal with the rejection

This woman was not pleased when you didn’t keep up your end of the bargain

Why are you upset because you got impeached?

That’s what happens when you’re a boy dressed in a man’s clothing…

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